ledbythewind | [Voice/Action]

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[Voice/Action]

[It's been a tense week for Richard: with both Isamu and Cheria kidnapped, the king can't help but worry, and when he worries, that means things like eating and sleeping drop down several notches in importance. But it isn't just that-- that last experiment and the incident with Vanitas brought to the surface behavior that he swore he would never repeat again, and he's at once ashamed and frightened of the way he acted. Even without Lambda's presence, even if part of it was due to an experiment, that he could still be so possessive and seek vengeance for hurts dealt him... it scares him. What if he really can never escape that part of himself no matter how hard he tries?

It isn't until nearly midnight that he finally manages to fall into a restless sleep at last (the room seems almost unbearably empty with just him), but as fate would have it, he won't get to enjoy it for long...

The dream that follows is familiar, a scene that's replayed itself in his head night after night, almost painful in its vividness: the throne of Windol stained red with his father's blood, blood that's on the swords of the Royal Knights that are now advancing towards him as he runs to his father's side, and then pain as those same swords taste his own blood--

It's with a distressed cry that Richard jolts upright in bed, eyes flitting wildly around the room until he finally registers just where he is; it takes him a few moments longer to remember that he's alone. And right now? That's the last thing he wants to be.

He heads down the hall to his best friend's room, but once he's standing outside of it, he hesitates, hand half-raised as if to knock on the door. He really shouldn't be bothering Asbel over something this trivial, he knows that. He's not a child anymore. He shouldn't be relying on others all the time; he needs to stand on his own two feet... but friends are supposed to support each other, right?

Any housemates who come to investigate the yell will find him standing there, unable to move his arm that last distance to actually knock.]

[Voice]

[Some time later, in the wee early hours of the morning, Richard will pick up his journal. It's a bit too awkward for him to ask outright for what he wants because A) this is not Cheria he's asking, and B) he was half-joking that time he asked her anyway, so he'll couch it in slightly different terms.]

It's rather boring at this hour of the night... would anyone happen to know any interesting songs to pass the time until I fall asleep?

[Better than asking for someone to sing him to sleep, at least.]

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[The sound of Hubert's voice jolts Richard out of his thoughts and he whirls to face the other man, surprised and desperately searching for an excuse as to why he's standing in front of Asbel's door in the middle of the night. None of the things he can come up with don't sound at least slightly damning.

What is clear, however, is that he looks... unusually pale and flustered.]

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

[The question, as well as complexion, confirms that it was indeed Richard who cried out earlier. Being in front of Asbel's door can mean only one thing: They are close friends, after all.]

Is Brother awake?

[As in, have you knocked yet?]

[~~THEY'RE NOT THAT CLOSE, HUBERT.~~ Looking chastized, Richard lowers his gaze to the floor, brushing his bangs away from his face out of nervous habit.]

I'm not sure. But it's all right; I'll just let him sleep if he isn't.

[~~NOT LIKE THAT, OKAY.~~ Hubert rests a hand on his side, but then lets it slide off when he figures the gesture would make him seem stiffer than he intends. Well, if Asbel is asleep and Richard's hesitant about knocking, the least Hubert can do is hear him out.]

What happened? If I may.

[Fortunately, Richard isn't even looking at Hubert to see that gesture. Torn, he sighs deeply before giving a light, bitter chuckle. He can't really deny it, not after screaming like that.]

... I had a bad dream.

. . . I see.

[Now what? He fixes his glasses, which he'd put on haphazardly in the midst of his rush around the house. It would be wrong of him to pry when Richard meant to talk it out with Asbel, among other reasons.]

More than a year later, and I still can't stop dreaming about it.

[There's a definite self-deprecating note to that statement, as if he should somehow be able to control his own dreams. He should, shouldn't he? It's over. He shouldn't still be so bothered by it.]

[It must be something that happened here or not too long ago in Efinea.

Yes. A year isn't that long a time, in retrospect.]

You say that as though it were your fault.

[Another soft, wry laugh.]

And if I said it was?

[There's the slightest narrowing of his eyes.]

What do you mean?

If I had been stronger, then perhaps...

[ . . . ]

Perhaps what?

... perhaps my father would still be alive.

[His voice is quiet as he says this, and he's deliberately avoiding looking at Hubert for the moment.]

[At first, Hubert is quiet.]

Your Majesty.

[No longer His Highness -- not since the last couple of months, and it's about time he stopped using that old address and proceeded fully to the next. Richard is His Majesty the King of Windol. His late father has been out of the picture since that very moment Richard ascended to kingship.

But the memories are always there, aren't they? As well as the guilt.]

We all live with regrets.

Regrets... [Another laugh.] It's ironic, isn't it? I said I would make my uncle regret what he did to me, but all that did was leave me with regret for what I did to him in return.

[He'd thought it would make him feel better. And, for a short time, it had, as he'd relished in his uncle finally feeling that same pain that had been dealt to him for years. But then, when Lambda was no longer influencing him, and the realization that he had delighted in another person's suffering had set in...]

[Ah. Yes. The throne had been juggled around for a short period of time following the passing of the late King Ferdinand. Cerdic had taken the right from Richard. Then he . . .

Cerdic probably hadn't regret what he'd done. If he had, it never would've been as great as that of his nephew. That's simply how Hubert sees it.]

Is that regret not what sets the two of you apart?

[Silent words linger -- that this distinction may very well be better. That Richard is feeling, even if that feeling is tearing him apart on the inside. Perhaps regretting is better than not regretting.

Because regrets can fade over time.]

[Hazel eyes widen just the slightest bit as Richard pauses, momentarily taken aback by that question. It was true, Cerdic had never had the slightest bit of regret for his actions-- if anything, he only regretted that it had taken him so long to be successful. In that way, the two of them were complete opposites.

But that was no excuse for his actions, and he knows that.]

That may be, but it didn't give me the right to take his life and bring myself to his level.

[Even though Asbel had tried to reassure him... he'd still killed his own family member in cold blood. That's not something he can just shrug off, no matter how much he might want to.]

[Right? What right is there to kill a person? No one has the right to do that. You kill a person because it's a necessity. Usually for a political reason, be it during war or a public execution or whatever of the sort. But the privilege has never existed, especially without a reason.]

The right to take someone's life . . . such a thing doesn't exist.

[With that put out there, he continues:]

His level is lower than you can ever go. As I said, that creates a fine line between you two.

Is it not about time that you consider what you've done for Windol?

[Naturally, he means putting Cerdic out of the throne and a little more, as he isn't aware of how much else Richard's experienced since he left and returned to Luceti. Richard needs to start appreciating himself more.]

[The laugh that escapes Richard's lips is bitter, self-deprecating. What he's done for Windol? So far most of that has been attempting to fix what he broke through his actions. He's not exactly sure that's anything to be proud of.]

Most of what I've done has been fixing the damage I caused to Windol, and to Strahta and Fendel as well. Windol has incurred a massive debt all because of me. It's my responsibility to do what I can to repair that.

[It's hard to appreciate yourself when you're the cause of problems all around the world.]

[He tips his head slightly to the side.]

Of course, responsibility is what a leader should be exercising.

[And because that's what Richard is doing, he's a ruler. A responsible ruler. Obligations to fix the wrongs aside, it's something.

Thought the self-deprecatory attitude might downplay this considerably, if not outright erase its merits. To think the negativity was this severe . . . ]

A leader is also supposed to be responsible for the welfare of his country.

[He can't exactly exercise much claim to that responsibility just yet, not when he's still playing damage control. Though he may be trying his hardest to fix things, those attempts still can't erase the guilt for causing the whole situation in the first place. If he'd just been stronger, then maybe he could have stood up to Lambda...]

Edited 2011-08-16 21:07 (UTC)

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[ action ] oh yeah should probably mention this thread is getting spoilery. :|b

[ action ] it's all Richard's silky pajama's doing.

[ action ] LIES. You just can't accept how classy his pajamas are.

[ action ] SO WHAT IF I CAN'T, and I am sorry that this forever.

[ action ] THAT IS OKAY I took just as much forever

[ action ] WHAT ABOUT NOW. DO I WIN/LOSE YET.

[ action ] I THINK YOU DO.