Richard, King of Windor (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ledbythewind) wrote2011-03-07 02:06 am
ledbythewind) wrote2011-03-07 02:06 am
[Action] - backdated to the 6th, before Hubert's arrival
[It's a particularly warm day in Luceti today, and the first one where Richard has actually felt up to doing more than just sitting around the house or sleeping, the two main activities he's been engaged in ever since returning from the draft. Physically, he's doing much better now, but mentally... even almost a week of having had time to do nothing but think hasn't done much to help him sort out his thoughts. He isn't even sure where to start.
That's why morning finds him heading along the path to CH2 - one place he's sure no one he knows will find him - to do something he hasn't done in a long time. He doesn't know whether or not it will help at all, but it's worth a try... anything is worth a try. Once there, he heads to the top floor in search of an empty apartment; he shuts the door behind him before beginning to arrange the furniture until a haphazard fort takes shape, nowhere near as nice as the "secret base" he would build in an out-of-the-way castle storeroom as a child, yet suitable for the time being. It's the idea of having a secret refuge of his own where no one can bother him that's most important, after all. That accomplished, he grabs a blanket from the bedroom, wraps it around himself, and settles in, just the way he would as a child, though he has no appetite for apples or adventure novels at the moment.
And there he stays for a few hours, trying to puzzle things out.
Are emotional bonds, be they love or friendship, truly so fragile that a single incident can destroy months of feelings and memories? Does this mean that someday too even Asbel would turn on him? Isamu? Sophie? Would they all abandon him too? If even Naoki, who had claimed to love him, couldn't forgive him for this, wouldn't even look at or talk to him, how could he possibly expect the people of Efinea - people who didn't even know him, who only knew the damage he had caused and the people he had hurt - to forgive him for what he'd done there, which was far worse?
But... he'd done something that was unforgivable, hadn't he? Naoki had made that much very clear. He'd done something horrible. And someday he'd end up doing something horrible to Asbel too, something he couldn't be forgiven for. Of course Asbel would leave him eventually as well. It's inevitable, if friendship is such a tenuous thing.
Maybe he was an idealistic fool to think he could be forgiven, for this or for anything he's done. Maybe it's impossible to have a world without conflict, maybe Lambda was right that the cycle would never end as long as humans exist. He doesn't know anymore. All he knows is that he deserves this.
He feels tired, cold, numb, and more alone than he's felt in a long, long time. Is the temporary happiness he feels from connections with others truly worth this pain when those connections are severed, as they no doubt will be? He's no closer to answers than he was before; in fact, he feels even more confused.
It's just as I thought... this doesn't work if you're not a child.
But there's one thing he does understand clearly. Being unable to help his father or stop his uncle, having to rely on Asbel and Duke Dale for help, being unable to resist Lambda's manipulations or help him in turn, and now, succumbing to that damn experiment and needing to be protected on the battlefield... all of that was because he is weak. He needs to become stronger.
So that he doesn't need to rely on anyone - so that he doesn't NEED anyone - anymore.
So that he won't be a burden anymore.
And, perhaps most importantly, so that no one can ever use him again.
Afternoon will find him sitting quietly in the front yard of House 43, eyes shut. Is he meditating? Asleep? Only one way to find out.]
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