[Action] - backdated to the 6th, before Hubert's arrival

[ledbythewind]

[It's a particularly warm day in Luceti today, and the first one where Richard has actually felt up to doing more than just sitting around the house or sleeping, the two main activities he's been engaged in ever since returning from the draft. Physically, he's doing much better now, but mentally... even almost a week of having had time to do nothing but think hasn't done much to help him sort out his thoughts. He isn't even sure where to start.

That's why morning finds him heading along the path to CH2 - one place he's sure no one he knows will find him - to do something he hasn't done in a long time. He doesn't know whether or not it will help at all, but it's worth a try... anything is worth a try. Once there, he heads to the top floor in search of an empty apartment; he shuts the door behind him before beginning to arrange the furniture until a haphazard fort takes shape, nowhere near as nice as the "secret base" he would build in an out-of-the-way castle storeroom as a child, yet suitable for the time being. It's the idea of having a secret refuge of his own where no one can bother him that's most important, after all. That accomplished, he grabs a blanket from the bedroom, wraps it around himself, and settles in, just the way he would as a child, though he has no appetite for apples or adventure novels at the moment.

And there he stays for a few hours, trying to puzzle things out.

Are emotional bonds, be they love or friendship, truly so fragile that a single incident can destroy months of feelings and memories? Does this mean that someday too even Asbel would turn on him? Isamu? Sophie? Would they all abandon him too? If even Naoki, who had claimed to love him, couldn't forgive him for this, wouldn't even look at or talk to him, how could he possibly expect the people of Efinea - people who didn't even know him, who only knew the damage he had caused and the people he had hurt - to forgive him for what he'd done there, which was far worse?

But... he'd done something that was unforgivable, hadn't he? Naoki had made that much very clear. He'd done something horrible. And someday he'd end up doing something horrible to Asbel too, something he couldn't be forgiven for. Of course Asbel would leave him eventually as well. It's inevitable, if friendship is such a tenuous thing.

Maybe he was an idealistic fool to think he could be forgiven, for this or for anything he's done. Maybe it's impossible to have a world without conflict, maybe Lambda was right that the cycle would never end as long as humans exist. He doesn't know anymore. All he knows is that he deserves this.

He feels tired, cold, numb, and more alone than he's felt in a long, long time. Is the temporary happiness he feels from connections with others truly worth this pain when those connections are severed, as they no doubt will be? He's no closer to answers than he was before; in fact, he feels even more confused.

It's just as I thought... this doesn't work if you're not a child.

But there's one thing he does understand clearly. Being unable to help his father or stop his uncle, having to rely on Asbel and Duke Dale for help, being unable to resist Lambda's manipulations or help him in turn, and now, succumbing to that damn experiment and needing to be protected on the battlefield... all of that was because he is weak. He needs to become stronger.

So that he doesn't need to rely on anyone - so that he doesn't NEED anyone - anymore.

So that he won't be a burden anymore.

And, perhaps most importantly, so that no one can ever use him again.



Afternoon will find him sitting quietly in the front yard of House 43, eyes shut. Is he meditating? Asleep? Only one way to find out.]

Comments

SPOILERS IN THIS UPCOMING THREAD

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

[Conveniently enough, Lambda had just decided to visit Richard. He knows the man was sick, and being drafted while being sick could never be a good sign. Asbel was looking after him, yes, but was that enough? He still doesn't feel entirely safe going out- not after his recent kidnapping. However, he's willing to put his paranoia aside to see Richard. It's a bit of a surprise to see the king sitting in the front yard. Has he recovered enough to be outside yet?]

... Richard.

SPOILERS HO~

[ledbythewind]

[That's a voice he hadn't been expecting to hear, which will be reflected in the slight surprise when he opens his eyes.]

Lambda. I trust your body is working properly now?

[He remembers all too well what sort of shape it had been in when Asbel and-- when Asbel had brought it to the house.]

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

[He nods curtly at that, but his hands clench uneasily at thought of it. He was experimented on. Scientists had damaged his body and even his very essence. It brought back a lot of painful memories.]

It is. Asbel found two humans who fixed it.

[ledbythewind]

... I'm sorry. I failed to protect you yet again...

[And it stings, atop everything else that's happened lately.]

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

You blame yourself for this?

[He's genuinely surprised. After all, most of the villagers seem to have accepted these individual kidnappings as a regular occurance that cannot be prevented.]

[ledbythewind]

[Richard blames himself for everything, Lambda, you should know that by now. He feels horrible that he had to go through being experimented on again, after he'd promised that something like that would never happen again.]

If I had been there, then perhaps...

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

[But some promises can't be kept. Richard should know by now that Lambda believes that. It's been proven true. As much as Asbel and Richard wanted to keep him safe, one person -or in this case two- can't stand up to the harshness of reality.]

Then you would have been taken as well.

[ledbythewind]

Perhaps so, but at least I would have tried.

[Honestly, that doesn't sound like such a terrible thing to him right now.]

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

It would have done nothing but ease your own conscience. Such a thing is useless to me.

[Blunt, but it's the truth. Having Richard waiting for him here when he was returned was a lot more appealing than having the king kidnapped as well.]

[ledbythewind]

Useless...

>[He drops his head, thinking. Despite everything that had happened, everything he'd done... Lambda still understood him better than anyone else, in ways that not even Asbel or Naoki could. They'd shared the same pain, after all, and from it had been born a strange, desperate kinship. That was why, even now, even in spite of his mistrust for the being... he can't hate him. And in a strange way, there's a part of him that still trusts Lambda with things he wouldn't share with anyone else.]

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

[For a moment, Lambda's silent. Richard isn't himself. Rather, Richard isn't the same as he's been this past half year. He's a lot more similar to how he was before Lastaria. Before he decided that Lambda's way to handle things was wrong. He isn't entirely sure what to think about this, though.]

Have you been recovering well?

[ledbythewind]

As well as can be hoped, given the circumstances. Miss Tear and Sir Law have seen to that.

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

You were safe, during the draft? [He won't take Asbel's word for it. He wants to hear it from Richard's mouth.]

[ledbythewind]

I was, thanks to Asbel.

[Just because he's doubting his trust in anyone and everyone doesn't mean he should cause Lambda to doubt Asbel as well.]

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

He protected you. [It's more of a statement, really. Protecting Richard sounds like just the thing Asbel would do.]

[ledbythewind]

[A tired nod.]

I couldn't even defend myself. I had to rely on his strength yet again.

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

You were ill. No one expected you to defend yourself.

[ledbythewind]

[He doesn't respond, instead drawing his knees up to his chest so that he can rest his chin on them.]

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

[Lambda's pretty sure he can sympathize with Richard's feelings. If they're still anything alike, he understands why that situation made the man uncomfortable.]

... You do not want to rely on others. You do not want to place your life in their hands. Life is so precious, you can only trust yourself to guard it.

[ledbythewind]

[At that, a tiny smile tugs at the corner of Richard's mouth. Lambda really does understand him better than anyone else. That much, at least, hasn't changed.]

My entire life, I've relied on others for everything... Asbel, you, Duke Dale, Naoki. I was a fool. The only person I can truly trust is myself-- I should have realized that long ago.

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

Asbel would be disappointed to hear you say that.

[ledbythewind]

[Richard is quiet. He's sure Asbel would be disappointed, but... at the same time, Asbel hadn't even visited or sent a single letter once in seven years. If he'd really cared, he would at least have tried... wouldn't he? Sure, he'd told himself that Asbel must just have been busy, or maybe he wasn't allowed to leave the Knight Academy, but... Richard went to all that trouble to leave that letter for him and never got a response, and it stings a little.]

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

[That response really is a little surprising. Usually, Richard cares very strongly about Asbel's opinion. If he doesn't give a damn anymore, then why should Lambda? ... No, there's more to it than that.]

... Did something happen?

[ledbythewind]

[Again he's quiet, debating just how much to tell Lambda. By now it just feels natural to confide in him, but what if he decides to hurt Asbel or someone else because of it? Lambda's better than that now, isn't he?

At last he sighs heavily.]

... yes.

[forsurvival.livejournal.com]

[He kneels down in front of Richard, the hem of his robe falling all around him to cover his legs.]

Tell me.