ledbythewind | [Action] - backdated to the 6th, before Hubert's arrival

[It's a particularly warm day in Luceti today, and the first one where Richard has actually felt up to doing more than just sitting around the house or sleeping, the two main activities he's been engaged in ever since returning from the draft. Physically, he's doing much better now, but mentally... even almost a week of having had time to do nothing but think hasn't done much to help him sort out his thoughts. He isn't even sure where to start.

That's why morning finds him heading along the path to CH2 - one place he's sure no one he knows will find him - to do something he hasn't done in a long time. He doesn't know whether or not it will help at all, but it's worth a try... anything is worth a try. Once there, he heads to the top floor in search of an empty apartment; he shuts the door behind him before beginning to arrange the furniture until a haphazard fort takes shape, nowhere near as nice as the "secret base" he would build in an out-of-the-way castle storeroom as a child, yet suitable for the time being. It's the idea of having a secret refuge of his own where no one can bother him that's most important, after all. That accomplished, he grabs a blanket from the bedroom, wraps it around himself, and settles in, just the way he would as a child, though he has no appetite for apples or adventure novels at the moment.

And there he stays for a few hours, trying to puzzle things out.

Are emotional bonds, be they love or friendship, truly so fragile that a single incident can destroy months of feelings and memories? Does this mean that someday too even Asbel would turn on him? Isamu? Sophie? Would they all abandon him too? If even Naoki, who had claimed to love him, couldn't forgive him for this, wouldn't even look at or talk to him, how could he possibly expect the people of Efinea - people who didn't even know him, who only knew the damage he had caused and the people he had hurt - to forgive him for what he'd done there, which was far worse?

But... he'd done something that was unforgivable, hadn't he? Naoki had made that much very clear. He'd done something horrible. And someday he'd end up doing something horrible to Asbel too, something he couldn't be forgiven for. Of course Asbel would leave him eventually as well. It's inevitable, if friendship is such a tenuous thing.

Maybe he was an idealistic fool to think he could be forgiven, for this or for anything he's done. Maybe it's impossible to have a world without conflict, maybe Lambda was right that the cycle would never end as long as humans exist. He doesn't know anymore. All he knows is that he deserves this.

He feels tired, cold, numb, and more alone than he's felt in a long, long time. Is the temporary happiness he feels from connections with others truly worth this pain when those connections are severed, as they no doubt will be? He's no closer to answers than he was before; in fact, he feels even more confused.

It's just as I thought... this doesn't work if you're not a child.

But there's one thing he does understand clearly. Being unable to help his father or stop his uncle, having to rely on Asbel and Duke Dale for help, being unable to resist Lambda's manipulations or help him in turn, and now, succumbing to that damn experiment and needing to be protected on the battlefield... all of that was because he is weak. He needs to become stronger.

So that he doesn't need to rely on anyone - so that he doesn't NEED anyone - anymore.

So that he won't be a burden anymore.

And, perhaps most importantly, so that no one can ever use him again.

Afternoon will find him sitting quietly in the front yard of House 43, eyes shut. Is he meditating? Asleep? Only one way to find out.]

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And if I say I have no desire to listen either?

[After all, Naoki didn't give him that same chance. Why should he do the same?]

Then I'll be talking to myself.

[Loud enough to be heard, of course. This is Naoki's little-seen obstinate side.]

[Richard's hands clench into fists at his side as he stands, then turns to make his way back into the house. Don't worry, though, because he'll come back outside in a moment and walk over to Naoki, where he stops.]

[Naoki stands himself as Richard does, as though about to stop him (he certainly opens his mouth to do as such) but he then blinks slightly as Richard appears, closing his mouth with a snap. He arches his eyebrows, questioning.]

[Richard holds out his hand expectantly (and there's something clutched in his fist), as if he's waiting for Naoki to do the same thing, though he doesn't say a word.]

[... After a moment, Naoki holds out his hand.]

[And into it Richard will deposit the ring Naoki had given him. Now they're even-- neither owes anything to the other.]

[Naoki curls his fingers around the ring, gripping it in his hand. Hmm. He probably should've expected something like that, he thinks. After a moment, though, before Richard decides to go and walk off again, Naoki starts talking,]

I'm sorry, for doing it the way I did. I had a lot of things that I wanted to say. That I thought of before I went to the house. I just didn't anticipate Isamu'd be so angry. If I stayed and tried to explain at that time, it wouldn't have been good for anyone.

And so you know. [He half turns to one side.] I don't regret being with you. I never once lied about loving you. [He rolls the ring around between his fingers, pensive, turns more so he's gazing off toward the village.] ...But I guess none of what I have to say matters to you, since you don't want to talk, or listen. And I can't force you, even if I try.

[Naoki was anticipating correctly-- Richard has already turned to go back to the house by the time he begins speaking. Again his hands curl into silent fists, head bowing slightly, though he does stay to listen rather than continue back inside. There's a part of him that wants to get angry, to turn around and yell, but it's quickly squashed down by the part of him that just doesn't care anymore. Yelling isn't going to make this empty feeling go away.]

Then that makes the two of us even, as nothing that I had to say mattered to you either.

[It comes out a little crueler than he'd intended, but somehow he finds he doesn't really care.]

[...]

Did I ever say anything like that? [After a moment, where Naoki brings the heel of his hand up to his forehead, pressing it there,] If you really had things to say, why didn't you seek me out? Did you even try to look for me?

Perhaps you were unaware of the fact that I was sent off to fight in a war for nearly a week. I was unable to look for you even if I had wanted to.

[He knows it's quite possible that Naoki just plain doesn't know about that, especially if he hasn't spoken to Isamu at all in the meantime.]

...I found out afterward, from Xion, after I'd been by the house, [Naoki admits this and then folds his arms slightly. A pause, a breath.] ...when you got back?

I was ill. Today is the first day I've left the house since I returned.

[... Richard what are you doing, this is far more talking than you'd intended.]

[But you'd go to see Asbel on danger of your life? is what Naoki thinks, his lips tightening for an instant. But he didn't come here to start an argument, needle at him, accuse or nitpick. He came to talk.

... But it seems as though Richard isn't up to the same. Naoki's shoulders fall a bit with...disappointment? Perhaps.] I see. Perhaps you should get back to resting, then. Don't want to be out for too long.

[Though he can't see Naoki from his position, his own shoulders slump just slightly as well, the tension dissipating from his body and giving way to an overall numb exhaustion.]

... yes, perhaps I should.

[Naoki isn't looking over at him as he turns his back to him, looking toward the road. He'd hoped for--something. Anything. Was it a little too much to ask that a friendship or anything could be salvaged out of this? Perhaps it was, after all.]

Take care then, Richard.

You as well, Sir Naoki.

[And he feels suddenly and inexplicably exhausted; he's almost afraid that his legs will give out beneath him on the short walk back to the house. Not once does he look back, not even after he's closed the door behind him... once he has, he leans back against it, then just slides down it into a sitting position on the floor, where he curls up into a little ball.

Why isn't anything he does making him feel better?]

[Action] - backdated to the 6th, before Hubert's arrival

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