ledbythewind | [Written/Action]

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[Written/Action]

[The handwriting for this particular entry is far neater than what is usually seen in the journals: a strong, tidy hand, though it may look rather unusual to anyone not from Efinea.

He'd almost filtered it before realizing that doing so would be going against what he was working on at the moment, so instead he leaves it open to be seen by all.]

To those of you who have ever sought a way to stop something you weren't always aware you were doing, how did you go about doing so? More specifically, I would like suggestions on how to be more honest, both with myself and with others.

[Richard hasn't been spending much time at home lately, so today, like most of the days before it, he'll be out for a walk in the snow, seemingly lost in thought as he just wanders through the village and out a ways into the forest before heading back once it starts to get dark. He'll pause outside of House 28, though, lingering for a moment as if deciding whether or not to knock on the door. The residents there might catch him doing so; he's not being very subtle about it.

Later that evening, housemates will find him fast asleep on the couch, a book open in his lap and a cup of tea going cold on the side table. He might be starting to tilt over, too...]

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Naoki...

[And he's pushing himself to a standing position and stumbling into the kitchen after him, rubbing at his eyes as he does so. He's intending to tell him that there should still be some hot water left in the tea kettle, if he can get his brain to process that.]

[Naoki's yawning at the oven by the time Richard gets into the kitchen, glancing back over one shoulder at him while running a hand through his hair.]

Hm?

I...

[Let's start with the easy stuff first.]

... there should still be water in the kettle, if that's what you're looking for.

[Naoki hums acknowledgment and nods, moving for a mug now and pouring himself up some tea.] Nn, okay. Thank you.

[He yawns softly and shifts to lean his back against the counter, holding the cup between his palm as he peers through the wafting steam in Richard's direction.

Sleepily assessing? Perhaps so.]

[Richard is about a mirror image of Naoki in terms of being tired and pale right now-- the lack of sleep is clearly wearing on him too, though he's making an effort to seem upbeat even despite that. There's a lingering air of that anxiety as well, but now it's eclipsed by a certain calm determination that comes with having figured some things out for himself. Not only does he know what he needs to do, he knows how he has to do it thanks to the advice he's received and some self-reflection.]

I've been thinking about what you said to me the other day, Naoki, about how I'm not honest with my feelings.

[Naoki sips from the cup, closing his eyes briefly and exhaling before looking at Richard's face, eyebrows lifting slightly in a 'go on' sort of expression at the words. Along with it, he gives a low--] Mmm?

[Richard nods and continues.]

When I first heard that... I was angry, both at myself and at you. I didn't want to admit that you were right, even though I knew the truth. I was afraid-- afraid of losing you because of my own failings.

[He gives a soft smile.]

I'm not sure if I've ever really told you just how much you mean to me. I trust you with my life. It's not that I think you're unreliable or untrustworthy, it's that I... I'm afraid of being hurt by letting people too close to me. But I understand now that part of trusting someone means letting them see the most vulnerable parts of you. Perhaps you end up hurting each other in the process, but loving someone also means that you can forgive each other and learn from your mistakes.

[Naoki smiles faintly at that, reclining more against the counter as he considers his tea, watching it as it swirls in the cup.]

I can't promise I won't ever hurt you. I have before. [Physically, emotionally...] I get what you've been through--I've been hurt before by people, too. But if I let myself linger on it, I'd never get close to anyone. [He sips from his cup.] ...I'll tell you, though, I'd never hurt you on purpose.

Nor would I, though it seems I already have without realizing it, and I apologize for that.

[Richard moves closer to lean against the table before going on:]

I let myself linger on it, and it nearly destroyed me and my entire world. That was what Lambda preyed on-- my fear of being hurt or betrayed, because he had experienced similar things, and it had twisted his heart against humans. I don't want to become like that. I want to be able to place my trust in others, even if I get hurt in the process.

Then you're halfway there, aren't you?

[He doesn't mention his own world nor his experiences--watching friends murder each other and being forced to kill two of the most important people to him. He merely upraises the hand not holding the tea cup.] All it takes is that desire. If you have the resolution, you can do it.

[This time his smile is far broader, more genuine, and he straightens up, said resolution clearly evident in his eyes.]

I want to share everything of mine with you-- my life, my heart, my experiences, and my feelings as well, even if it frightens me at times.

[Naoki blinks--and then he's going pink and looking to the side, setting his tea aside and folding his arms over his chest.]

I want you to. If you can, I can. Bad and the good.

[... oh Naoki, that's adorable, and Richard's heart warms with affection at that slight blush.]

We'll probably - no, certainly - end up hurting each other sometimes, but we can learn from it and grow... together.

[Naoki outstretches one of his hands to Richard after a moment.]

I'm sure we can overcome the hard things. 'Cause being together...it's sharing everything, yeah? Even things that might make each other unhappy.

[And Richard takes that hand, giving it a happy squeeze and nodding.]

And we can forgive each other because we love each other.

[Naoki grins lightly at him, giving his hand a slight squeeze.]

Of course. That's what you do.

[Still smiling, Richard gives that hand a slight tug in the hopes of pulling Naoki into his arms. He's really, really missed this contact while they were sleeping in separate rooms, and he's not ashamed to admit to it.]

[After a moment, Naoki steps forward to wrap arms around him, hugging him. He leans his head against his shoulder in the process.]

[Richard's hand slides up to the back of Naoki's head almost automatically to pull him close, turning his own head just a little so he can nuzzle into his hair. That Naoki is willing to give him the chance to prove himself... it may be what people who love each other do, but he's still grateful.]

I love you, Naoki.

[Naoki murmurs a bit and squeezes him gently, nuzzling at the ends of blond hair in return.]

And I love you.

[Richard presses a kiss into his hair, elated to hear those words.]

Should I say "I love you more" now?

[... yep, he's fine if he's teasing again.]

[Naoki smiles and shuts his eyes.]

More, hm? Well, that's a fight we'd probably have forever.

A fight, you say...?

[... that's totally not Richard nuzzling right at the base of his ear to see if he's ticklish there.]

[Naoki yelps slightly and flinches--why yes. Yes, he is.]

Y-yeah.

[And if he brushes a kiss there as well~?]

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